It's All Just Killing Time

There was a hang-up in my visa application process.  Steven, the voice in Korea who has found and secured me a job in Cheongu Si, tells me that "a woman has opened my transcript" at the school; and he says "woman" as though it means something, that I should laugh and say "Oh those women."  In order to be given a working visa in South Korea, the government must receive an official and sealed transcript.  The transcript I sent is now a useless piece of junk.

This whole process has taken so long it seems.  I was originally to leave in January.  Most jobs require only two weeks of notice, but I was the only staff photographer at the magazine at which I worked and we hit shelves monthly, so I pushed my date to February and gave my notice. 
I had a lucrative month in February.  Uncle Sam sent me more money than I was expecting.  The magazine sent me my editorial check and a whopper of an art department check courtesy of the cover I shot; and a client paid me a good chunk of the balance she owed me.  I would have been rolling; I would have hired a maid, a chef and a chauffeur. 

I was delayed again.  There was a miscommunication between the recruiting company I was working with and myself.  Larry, my friend in Cheonan set me up with Steven and here we are.

I ran out of money weeks ago. 

This idle time has given me time for thought.  I have had many jobs.  Got time to kill, me too; here is a list:

1) Camp Counselor- I was awkward and shy towards younger kids and the older ones asked if I smoked weed and if I could score them some.  I was a gym teacher despite the fact that I did crew because I lack the coordination for anything ball or goal related.  Remember the kid in Fever Pitch?  He says something to Jimmy Fallon like: "You love the Red Sox but do they ever love you back?"  I had him.

2) Caddy- I caddied at one of the most expensive private clubs in the country which is located in one of the worst parts of MA.

3) Cashier at BJ's- I was written up 8 times.  I quit before they had the chance to fire me.

4) Panera Bread- A Cuban man told me if I forgot how to make an Italian combo one more time he would cut off my hand.  I also threw a fork in a vat of coffee thinking it was full of dishwashing soap (it was brown?!)  I was banished to the hell of washing dishes, albeit very poorly, until I quit.  If you ever ate at my Panera Bread then you should know I often did not clean silverware, though sometimes I would just throw it away instead of dealing with it; so its 50 / 50 whether you ate somebody elses spit.

5) Handyman at Shropshire Curiosity- Crazy old bastard had me cleaning out medical equipment and cleaning dog poop for weeks.  I made $6 an hour under the table for a month before he payed me.  He took out taxes himself and I made $100.

6) Warehouse at Sears Retail Outlet- I got payed to hang out with my friend and screw around.  I routinely ate at least four microwavable burritos per shift.

7) Movie Theatre Usher- The theatre was overstaffed.  It was possible to watch 1 - 2 full movies per shift. 

8) Mail Room Clerk- Suffolk University's mailroom is responsible for most of my University friendships.  Between cigarette brakes and reading everybody elses post cards we did homework.

9) Beacon Hill Times- I took photos of Beacon Hill.  Major issues included vandalism and public urination commited by Suffolk Students including myself.  Lesson in irony learned.

10) Dock worker- After blowing all of my money on a weekend in New York City to see my friends Castine play I worked for two weeks unloading a truck to set up a new store.  It was pleased to go home every night covered in dirt.

11) Office I- I was a temp in an office after graduating.  It was nothing like the show.

12) Magazine I- Took photos of rich people and wrote about things nobody in my locale could ever afford.  I did get invited to go to a yacht party with swag.

13) Mt. Wachusett- I took photos at the summit.  My shift began at 9am and ended at 3pm.  I would arrive promptly at 9:30am completely hung over and leave no later than 2pm.  Ever.

13) Office II- I was hired and promoted at the office.  I was on the quality assurance team and spent my days professionaly stocking people and reading medical records and death certificates.  The program was called Prescription Advantage.  Every person calling up to complain said it was "no Advantage to them," and thought they were beyond clever.

14) Tree Planter- In exchange for free food and lodging I planted trees and put up a fence in Greece.  My shoe was eaten by a dog on the second day.

15) Catering Company- I used my love for food to make a living serving food to other people.  A love for food does not translate to any skill.  I discovered a love for dishwashing jobs.  There is something zen about an industrial dishwasher.

16) Waiter at an Upscale Retirement Home- I worked with a huge number of foreign students from a nearby university.  One, my friend Jorge tried to say a little boy was so cute that he "wanted to steal him."  His actual words were that he "wanted to rape him."  I once put a ton of vinnegar into Jorge's drink to prove that I will be 10 forever.

17) Waiter at Upscale Restaurant- I try my luck at fine dining.  I am yelled at for a solid 20 minutes for not having enough pens.  I go to the bathroom and never come back.

18) Album Designer- I work with the semi-famous Carol Lundeen getting rid of bags and crows feet. 

19) Dance Competiton Photographer- I took thousands of photos of the same dance routines over and over to be sold at prices that surpassed my salary.

20) Magazine- I work for a long time as a music reviewer and staff photographer.  I get to interview many death metal celebs.  I also get to interview Trouble Andrew (boyfriend of Santigold) Reuben Langdon (former Power Ranger and lead motion capture of such indie films as Avatar) and Andrew W.K. (Lets get a Party Started).

21) I will lump all of my freelance together.  I shot a lot of bands, and weddings and did some work for a national publication called Next American City that nobody but me has ever heard of. 

For those of you who made it this far I am sorry but I am unable to compensate you for wasted time.  Soon, I will leave and soon this will get interesting.